dad's getting worse, D:
he's not even allowed to be drinking whilst on anti-depressants
hes really horrible when he's been drinking,
like as horrible as mum but in different way's
tess and a couple of her boy friends stayed over,
me and tess drank too much, and stole my brother's beers
which this morning i found were actually Rueben's
must give him some money :/
i still don't know what on earth i'm doing for new years :S
i have lots of options,
i could go up to leicester to my uncle's (but i wont have any friends there excluding the cousins)
i could go to jeannie's(but she has so many partie's it wouldn't be as special)
i could go with mum to my cousins sam's (but i don't like seeing mum get trashed and i wont know anyone their)
i could go to town with a couple of mates(but that altogether would cost about £30 and i don't have that)
all i want to do is have a big bash at my house :/
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
dad's getting worse, D:
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:25
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Posted by ChazzNoir at 09:48
didn't feel like christmas
i got all the regular little things as usual,
and a hat :)
and i'm sorry to all who were as exited as i,
New years party is off,
lots of people have been asking why...
it's just my parents.
dads going to leicester.
mums going my cousins.
and thy don't trust me. obviously
Posted by ChazzNoir at 09:11
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:54
Monday, 21 December 2009
after lisa's xmas party we got back mum is in her little winesville
banging on the door of dads room telling him hes shit,
she went down stair's and saw a lovely big wrapped present under the tree
she shouts down to me WHOS THIS FOR?!!?
i don't answer,
I BET IT'S FOR YOUR FUCKING DAD ISN'T IT, CAUSE YOUR A FUCKING DADDY'S GIRL FUCK YOU!
(she reads the label)
OH FOR FUCK SAKE FUCK OFF YOU DON'T GET ME ANYTHING EVER YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT FOR FUCK SAKE FUCK YOU!
i come in... mum have you read the label?
YEAH IT SAYS "daddyyyyy"
no mum, it says' to mum and dad.'
WHAT..? SHUT U... oh thankyou. but FOR FUCK SAKE etc.
last year was amazing.
thick soft white snow,
lots of day's off school.
and pictures to prove it,
upper years have gone.
friends have deteriorated,
so now there is no fun side to it any more.
its just cold wet and slippy,
can someone please come and enjoy the good parts with me?
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:56
Sunday, 20 December 2009
sorry this is a little late it's supposed to be from Friday Night.
i don't remember much.
thats probably not very good.
started the night drinking alot :D
but when all alcohol was drank and still not as up as i wished i am admitting to taking extremes to Tish's Fairy Dust.
now i'm not a junkie i can promise you that.
i have rules:
Try everything* once.
Rule 1. if it's not as good as it's worth (knowing all the risks and all)
then never again.
*and by everything i mean this sensibly like say NO to the big ones
Rule 2. take in very small doses at a time. (KNOW YOUR LIMITS)
and yeah nothing has been worth it so far, :)
which is good.
anyway i think this 'thing' i had with my lovely boy is finished i don't think it meant as much to him as it did to me, seeing as at the party he got with this other girl (which incidentally people have said is a 'Little me') and shes 2 years younger so..
bit upset but live on we weren't exclusive.
all together a lovely party,
jeannie was very stressed,
even though she was away with the fairy's too.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:06
yes mum is still drunk but not as bad as normal, less violent and abusive, more wobbly and sluurd
dad.. he is drunk why...? earlier i told him, i looked him in the eye and said don't have any more
he looked disappointed at himself and said okay.. for you
then half way home (i asked mum to drive)
she kicked him out the car because he laughed at her,
or something silly.
but that was no excuse for dad drunkenly standing up in the middle of dinner and saying how horrible mum is to all her family,
luckily she wasn't in the room or she would of killed him
then now, were just arrived home and she starts having a go at me so i tell her, "yes dad maybe drunk now but your like this every night usually worse" she didn't like to hear that so she just kept repeating what dad is like,
i sighed and came up here were she can't be bothered to walk as far as.
another night in Winesville. (i've decided to call it that after mums love of the stuff)
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:57
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
i Brilliant night out with my Family :)
So far as to be expected
ruined by the usual ungrateful alcoholic
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:59
Monday, 14 December 2009
havven't seen mum today,
good thing i guess..
handed in all my english coursework! :D
my friend and her new boy came round today,
finished our video and tried to put it online but someone aborted it -_-
went to ARTrageous got some tshirts and dye (Christmas presents soon :D)
now i'm going to bed to think about the most scariest thing thats happened to me in a long time.
i was out at a family do (younger generations)
and walked home with my brother and cousin (19 & 22)
we were fine, still a little drunk just finding our way home
and we were attacked.
i don't think i have gone from happy to almost in tears so fast before.
a gang looking drunk&drugged stumbled towards us we avoided them by walking a meter into the road just for personal space when one of the guys for no reason took a swing at my cousin,
knocked him out onto the floor the other guy went for my brother pushing him around and hitting him in the face,
i stopped, none of them had seen me, i ran past and hid behind the nearest wall just watching them i couldn't help they could hardly help themselves, whats a little girl going to do, one of them had a pole and was hitting my brother and cousin, a taxi swerved past with people just safely going home after a night one of the guys through my cousin in-front of it, luckily it stopped in time but now the guy that was on my brother had gone up to the taxi ripped open the door and was threatening the people inside. my brother ran to me, to check i'm okay he took me round the corner and got me to hide in a well lit up public car park, so i scaled the fence and waited, he gave me his valuables and went off to look for my cousin, i just sat there think of all the things that could go wrong, they could hurt my brother or my cousin are they already hurt? if they were hurt badly would they come back for me? what if the people found me, what would they do, what could i do to stop them i stayed close to the buzzer on the wall that you could ring to be let into the building and then my brother came back i got back over the fence and gave him his stuff back, he couldn't find my cousin so we rang my dad to pick us up and we went back onto the main road, then our cousin came round the corner looking pretty ruffed up, dad picked us up, no-one was hurt badly, my cousin had a little memory loss. and they took his hat,
why would anyone do that..?
who would have the heart.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:21
Sunday, 13 December 2009
omg i don't know what to do anymore
she is beyond help
she has put herself too far into her own little world to ever believe there is the real world
i can't help her anymore
she is so sure what she thinks is true and as much as i tell her she wont listen
i don't care what she says about me anymore
or when she hurts me
i want something to happen to sort this out and i have tried myself to make this happen
and it works for about a month but it's something as serious as threatening to call childline and i hate to make other people feel shit, especially on such a scale and then after that month it just go's back to shit.
i know even though it's shit now it will probably be fine tomorrow morning and day, and then evening comes and the drink comes out and it's shit again,
HOW CAN I STOP THIS CYCLE!!!!
its causing me and my family such distraught!
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:28
ive never known anyone so difficult and self sabotaging
i try to tell her every evening, "CAN'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?!!!"
but now i realized it doesn't work even if you shout it in her face
that just makes her cry.
so now i just remind her
but she doesn't listen.
she just turns it to something else,
"Mum you have a problem!"
"Oh and im the only one in the world am i?!"
"no mum but yours is most serious right now***(she interrupts)
***"NO NO its your dad its him he has the problem hes driving this house insane its him its him"
***NO its not me its him your always just like Daddyyy you stupid little daddy's girl, you stupid girl you just go dadddyyyyyyy daddyyy and you get whatever you want"
"no mum it's not that please stop changing the subject***
***AND your always rude to me infront of your friends you tell me to fuck off"
"no mum i just know when your drunk and you come in and and before you do something inappropriate i try to stop you and make you leave***
***NO you just always try and look cool infront of your friends"
"no mum i'm just embarrassed by you anyway this isn't whats important***
"Oh Fuck off!!!! go to Daddy go on fuck off"
"Mum shush just because you don't want to hear what i'm trying to say because you know it's true and you can't be fucked to do anything to change or improve the situation your in!***
***NO FUCK OFF I DON'T CARE...
just s little snippit of my evening.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:23
Friday, 11 December 2009
i wander what people think about me,
am i the one who everyone is nice to face to face then when i leave it's like OMG THERE SO ANNOYING!
or am i the one that everyone knows but doesn't include me when making plans.
am i the extra..
or the nothing,
when i see someone with their friend and their all fine, then when their friend leaves and they go god i hate that person and start talking about them i ever wander if thats me..? it's hard to tell cause they don't say it to my face.
i hate this time of the month when i get all self conscious and i start picking on myself, and i say silly things like i'm so ugly, and it really annoys everyone, i can't loose friends now, ive only just started to find them.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 08:10
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
many people are in debt, agreed
but we are in serious almost getting kicked out our house debt,
so i decided to take it apon myself to ear some money i know my little contributions wont help the bills but maybe if i can make enough to feed/look after myself it will be a little less of dad, their is the obvious getting a job (i have applied Many places doing things like watering, washing up etc) but credit crunch and all, most places are looking for older more experienced workers so i have a little list of other lovely things to try:
making and selling clothes:
(buying old tee-shirts from charity, tie-dye or redesign,)
Pillow Case Clothes in the past ive got a couple of old pillow cases and made them into Rather Lovely tops :D
selling my old clothes and toys
making Wire Trees, (a little hobby)
but i would rather be more creative than dog walking or baby sitting,
.. and no big Christmas presents, i will ask for little ones and instead of buying for others i will make them. :)
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:03
Monday, 7 December 2009
so i'm kind-of seeing this guy, not really but like we both like other people,
we just meet up a bit and act like a couple,
hes lovely but atm to me, all boys are.
and i think i'm very scared of commitment. Shit.
he makes me feel a little bit special in the short periods of time we spend together
i don't think he see's me the same,
i think he just thinks that im a bit of fun.
that gave me a little boost of :)
just for mum to suck it out of me.
i tried to talk to her seriously like grown-ups only she decided she didn't want to be a grown-up
i told her she needed to see someone, that she needed desperate help. she didn't like to hear that
i don't think anyone would, but anyone doesn't respond like she does, she goes on thinking shes queen and everyone else has the problem she went round pushing the pictures off the walls and knocking things over screaming "WHAT IS EVERYONES PROBLEM! everyone has problems i'm not the only one," i told her "yes everyone does have their own little problems but mum, yours is on a much larger scale and its become a health risk not just to you"
she went round again, slamming door's, pushing over chairs "WHY DOES EVERYONE OBJECT TO ME"
i didn't get much sleep last night.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 15:02