Happy Birthday Jesse :)
this blog is dedicated to you :D
your the tutu to my pyjamas
the chocolate spread to my peanut butter
the cream in my egg
and the pip in my olive
football rocks dad
and best dress up buddie ever :D
you have style and personality
and your very very smart
(Too smart you make me look bad :O)
i hope to spend lots more future with you
in our little flat
with plastic cutlery, bean bags, and fury carpets
i love you lotsalotsa
and love you more
happy birthday je'suis
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Happy Birthday Jesse :)
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:58
Monday, 26 April 2010
i never tell you whats going on?
i only ever say what i feel..
you might then think i have no reason for feeling so rubbish?
got up as if i wear off to school
my uniform felt so tight and constricting,
i sat down stairs,
my head stopped throbbing,
that was a relief
still talking talking
i have such lovely conversations with myself
most of the time.
today it was mostly
wtf is wrong?
why can't you just be happy?
it's such i good feeling
and even if i have no reason to be happy
but no respond
its like the one i was talking to up their is absent.
so i curled up on my sofa,
dad keeps asking if i'm feeling better?
i can't say
"i feel sad ):"
cause thats odd
and often followed by the question
and i couldn't answer that.
so i just mopped about running off when i burst into random tears,
dad got mum to book a doctor appointment,
dad went to work
and i went to the doctors with mum
had another little cry in the car???
i told her because i didn't want blood test,
phobia of needles.
she just ran some tests on me and told me their i had low blood pressure,
i have to wait for other results,
and go from their.
so when i get home mum tries to force me to school,
i was really not into that.
she went out giving up
and i have just been back and forth between playing pointless games
and watching laurel and hardy on tv.
i went to sit in the sun in my dads room,
i just lay on his bed and had a little teary moment.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 08:29
Posted by ChazzNoir at 08:11
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 17:25
Friday, 23 April 2010
this morning i felt sick and bunged up,
now i have a sore lump at the back of my throat and a PULSATING HEADACHE
whenever i stand up too fast i almost pass out from a head rush,
and any slight movement or jolt it feels like my brain is loose and ratteling around D:
& mum forced me to have a shower which i really didn't want
just the thought of having to rub my head made me pain
so i just sat in the bath with the shower over me and had a little cry
then put on some really un-attractive lazy ill clothes
and ngaio came over looking spiffy :)
damn her hot bod.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:20
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
max is 20 now,
he is supposed to be paying something like £50 a week rent,
he earns about £400 a week,
so it's not that much considering he doesn't have to pay for anything else,
he gets fed,
has friends around every night,
makes a mess and doesn't clean up,
and still doesn't pay?
again like mum yesterday
how can he see dad struggling with money and just deny him what he owes him?
that would just kill me ):
but then again i can only think it's because dad is soft,
he asks, but doesn't demand,
then just lets him get away with it,
thats not helping anyone?
i would really like to not be here for much longer,
cause everyone is either
it's so hard to fucking have a good time?!!!
thats why all my posts are so D':
i wish i could right happier ones.
i wish i could get out of here!!!
school is my only get away.
and thats full of bullshitters
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:15
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
poor dad hes trying,
atleast hes not drinking tonight.
mum, that doesn't help
poking and prodding
seeing how much she can push him...
lets play with someones feelings,
with their health,
with their sanity
how can some people not feel bad for their actions
how can you not feel bed for hurting someone?
for making them cry?
am i too soft?
i don't have the heart to hurt a bug,
let-alone a person,
to watch them feel bad
imagine how they feel
it hurts ):
do you not feel that when you act this way?
i wish you would think about it.
i wish you would listen.
what can i do?
your existence is pointless and cold,
i wish it never was.
is it worth it when you have done more bad than good?
does this mean your going to hell?
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:08
Monday, 19 April 2010
well done dad,
your drunk again.
despite saying "i'm sorry i promise i will stop"
you were the one i trusted most ):
now your lying?
this is shit,
and i have no friends
WAH WAH WAH
no picture >:X
Posted by ChazzNoir at 15:03
Saturday, 17 April 2010
i had a lovely day :)
went to town with gemma (a long time friend i haven't seen in ages)
we shopped and sunbathed :)
then i got home and went for a chill in the park with some lovely art friends
(i call them art friends cause their all into arty stuff (music, photography, drawing etc.))
they are lovely, calm, happy, and interesting.
i would like to be friendeey with them more,
then theres my crazy, wild, loud friends
i think i spend too much time with
i need to chill,
i also need to write a bloody monologue for drama AAARGH
better hop to it
my dad painted our door like a tardis, :D
my friends are stuck on holiday because of this volcano (poor them)
and apart from them i have no friends D:
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:42
just to let you know all those who have made their blog private i can't read them :S sorry..
even though you send me a link it doesn't tell me when you update,
and seeing as their is atleast 6 or 7 of you i can't search you up every day to read your blogs ):
sorry to those who don't have a private blog you have just read a completely pointless blog :)
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:35
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
my little neighbours
age 4, 6 & 8
came to play in their garden whilst i was on the trampoline
they were happy playing
they had just bought a trampoline too
so we were having a competition who could jump the highest etc.
then their dad came out and told them quietly (even though i could here)
"don't bother her now, play on your own, leave her alone"
now he could of meant this for my benefit
but i knew he didn't
they think i'm weird.
cause i talk to myself
on the trampoline,
i make story's
whilst constantly flipping and jumping,
they make me happier,
my perfect world...
so i gradually faded away,
came back inside,
so they could play.
sorry i'm weird.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:14
would you like to be my best friend?
yes please ohh thankkks :D :D
lets play barbie dolls
and we can dye each others hair :)
do like chocolate?
OF COURSE I DO
i like whatever you like
i am you silly :P
-i may of gone a bit insane :S
today i started my inner monologue
i actually insulted someone in my head
like they do on those american tv shows
it felt like someone had just whispered it in my ear
and i totally agreed
"Yeah why don't you just purpously annoy everyone?"
HAH and i actually love it!!!
i want to do it all the time
(maybe not the insaulting thing but the talking to myself)
and its like talking to someone who shares all the same interests as me :)
Posted by ChazzNoir at 08:59
Sunday, 11 April 2010
first dream i was hanging out with one of my old friends Joe,
when i say old we were in junior school together :)
he was my first 'Crush'
it was really nice
i had a dream that i was staying in this weird forrest place
and there was the rich side and the poor
and i had done something terrible and like
cracked my head open or something and i was walking around going
SHIT SHIT I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP
and it didn't hurt or anything i just forgot large parts of my life?
like they escaped
all the people were like hobbits :D
i had another dream...
i have forgotten :S
Posted by ChazzNoir at 03:48
i had a dream and a nightmare
the nightmare was first.
me, my dad, alice and ruby were staying in this little house
i don't know why
but i did know we were hiding from people
and that they were going to kill us
they would just come in burst through the door at any point and just shoot us.
just that horrible sick feeling knowing your going to die.
i think i cried in my sleep.
and just lay there thinking.
i must of dropped of again,
i found myself at school with jess and olivia
we organized to meet up on saturday and do something really girly and fun,
i had lunch as normal and saw some of the girls were walking around in black underwear?
apparently for our charity events or something?
all the male teachers sat with them...
there was some crazy stuff set up on the stage
and lots of weird stuff just around that i didn't notice were that weird till i woke up
for some reason i changed into a skeleton costume
emily said i didn't look like skeleton?
i went off with olivia and jess to find david
david had gone to the shops and jess wanted to see him
so they organized to meet by the stairs when hes back
we waited with her but he didn't show?
jesse looked upset so we waited a bit more after the bell
she tried texting and ringing him,
he text her back after a while:
he went to Patrick's instead...
jess was annoyed
so we all went to our lessons
me and olivia had the same lesson.
we got there and the teacher got really angry cause we were late and gave us saturday detentions D:
so jess went to davids instead of our girly day.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 03:30
would you rather live a life of torture and pain or would you rather walk into a room leaving everything behind you and loosing everyone?
but in this room anything could happen
could be good
could be bad
could be worse than torture
could be complete pleasure
could be everything
could be nothing.
there is no telling.
but what would you rather?
i think i would choose the second one
because their is still a chance of good
rather than definite torture,
would you rather live in pain...
Posted by ChazzNoir at 03:24
Friday, 9 April 2010
but i stayed at ngaios a couple of days
after her party :)
i liked not being at home
ngaios party was fucking ace :D
a made a video
except it's mostly of the morning after
but that bit was easier to film :)
alice cut my hair
I was pissed
she told me she wasn't so that was okay,
i love it :D
now my student 2 corse meal has been freshly made,
100% sunflower oil salted potato rings
Chicken and Mushroom noodles with a soya sauce,
in other words
hula hoops and a pot noodle :) xxx
Posted by ChazzNoir at 09:54
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
this is exactly it
i don't want to be tied down
thats why i don't have a boyfriend
and i don't have the heart to say anything
cause i know as soon as i do
i will probably change my mind
for fuck sake,
why is it that i only ever want what i can't have?!!
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:55
Monday, 5 April 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 10:55
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:03
Thursday, 1 April 2010
yeahh thats right take everything personally,
be really selfish
and think everythings about you.
believe me, your not that interesting.
Eeey i might be getting a job,
StickyNeon :) (click)
this LUSH little hippy shop :D
its like perfect for me :)
on glos. road,
Posted by ChazzNoir at 12:47