got a ngaio email
Very shit things going on towards her
so i went to ngaio's
with milkshake and chocolate fingers
cheer up food,
i hope it helped,
she was still in her jammies
i wish i could of been in mine
we both looked morningly
i love that
then ngaio got ready for a party to go to
i do so envy your sociability ngaio :)
so i played pretty music as ngaio did her make up
then took it all of
and did it again
got all dressy up
so i looked silly being morningly
and she looked fabulous
she was walking in my direction
and then we parted
i came home to an empty house
then dragged out to go get mum from the party down the road
i wont say more about that,
just her usual shitty self
and cleaned the office
ready for NEW HUGE COMPUTER
Sunday, 30 May 2010
got a ngaio email
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:58
i cleaned up the desk i am typing on
ready for the new computer,
i can't wait
and i will miss this one
i love you computer <3
(kisses the screen)
spending alot of time with my dad,
helping him cope with mum
and hes trying to help me
but he doesn't realize that to help me
would be too get rid of mum,
and he doesn't want to
i wouldn't want to make him
but i do think that he would be much happier without her.
well i don't think she deserves compassion any more
when all she has done with it before is abuse it
i believe in 2nd chances
but she has overdrawn that one
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:49
Friday, 28 May 2010
mums gone out
dads gone out
Their is NO food in the house
i'm sure i could mosey something together
but why would i
my brother orders a pizza
he can afford it
he offers me some
why couldn't i just hold that slice in my hands
there is a ready meal in the fridge
no too spicy
the is noodles
but i can't use the hob
mums cake is steaming
DO NOT TOUCH
i don't want to any way
i'm not hungry
my tummy hurts
so why do i try to fill it with food?
WHY CAN"T SOMEONE JUST BE THERE TO LOOK AFTER ME
i am useless.cold.hungry.sad.pathetic.scared.unhelpful.selfsabotaging.childish.unabletosurviveonmyown
and i just want something to eat.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:24
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 12:43
Monday, 24 May 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:19
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:59
i stayed at toms,
he had people round
i thought it would be like old times,
sitting round the bonfire
playing in the straw
but we stayed in his room
and some decided to have sex.
i couldn't sleep
desperately trying to block out the vile sounds of them fucking
but every-time i did
the tight feeling around my chest
i couldn't breath
the feeling of being trapped
i just wanted to go for a walk.
but i was stuck
and it was so dark,
and feeling like i was alone
even though i could feel an unwanted presents
in control of me
it made me cry
i tried not to disturb the Fuckers
not that they were considering if they were disturbing me,
i kept feeling little cuddles from jasper and ngaio
i didn't sleep most of the night
i just sat up on the pillow i was trying to sleep on,
and just thought in my head,
i had to feel around in the dark found some headphones
listened to some cocorosie
the music that looks after me
until my phone buzzed at me saying its pill time
i took my pill
everyone was sleeping
jeannie had now left tom in his bed and i think she was sleeping on the sofa,
jasper was curled around ngaio like he was protecting her
my eyes wouldn't stop tearing
i looked out the window for a while
it was just getting light
the birds sounded unreal
like a recording on loop
i picked up my stuff
and started walking home
the tiny sharp stones didn't even feel bad
and the stinging nettles did not sting me.
i walked up the allotments paths
and didn't feel like going home
so i steered off to the park
the new play area was finished
a sand pit
i sat, rolled, lay, climbed, stood, shrunk
no on else was here.
but i could hear people not far off in the main part or the park
so when a mother and her daughter was walking towards me to play in this area
i quickly tip-toed away.
walking past all the Debris from the night before
and the merry people who obviously haven't been to bed yet
and a group of students just all sleeping on each other in a circle
a group smiled "Good Morning" to me
i love that.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 01:57
Friday, 21 May 2010
i'm well chuffed,
did some bonding with mum
trying to help her clean out her room
got a lush selection of her old lush clothes for me
my personal fave :
& i have just been trying new things..
but i'm not new
i'm just improved.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:01
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 09:45
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
but i need some film for it...
and it costs about £25 for 10 D:
but thats what i want to be
as cool as the music
as cool as the picture from a polaroid.
as cool as you.
i don't want to be in school
i want to be out taking pictures
and going slowly mad
and concentrating my madness into my art.
and sitting in the park with my friends.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 10:38
Sunday, 16 May 2010
started reading today
i have never willingly picked up a book and thought 'yeah why not'
it just doesn't interest me.
but i did,
and this story relates to me so much
the girl in the book is 16/17 and shes even called charlie.. :O
except she gets pregnant...
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:45
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 07:31
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:20
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
i have this song.
it wont let me sleep.
i play my music.
and it comes up in the middle
and my eyes scream open...
the sound haunts my head.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:54
i am having an early night
i don't want to ):
i don't want to go to bed
i would rather deprive myself of sleep
it makes my body tingle
and try to fix itself
i would rather go insane than do good in exams and lead a normal life.
even if both are possible together,
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:50
it's like talking, but no words come out, and you scream just to check if you can, and all the blank faces around you, rushing, like you have to ask yourself, "am i going mad?"
Posted by ChazzNoir at 13:48
Saturday, 8 May 2010
so i thought today would be better,
didn't go out.
hardly got out of my jammies.
cried a bit more.
listened to Alot of CocoRosie
i just bought her album
makes me want to go mad.
how would i go about doing that
without mad amounts of drugs
i guess i might go mad from my parents anyway
today i had to take dads wine off him,
stop it dad.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 14:42
so i had a little dilemma :/
a while ago my dad had booked for us to go see this film his mate had done,
and i was very interested,
so mum kept reminding me don't forget saturday...
so i made plans on friday night to go invisible circus
and had day plans on saturday
then dad tells me no its friday night?!!
thanks mum for making my life alot harder than it is... |:|
so dads annoyed at me for double booking :/
i speak to him after
we sort it out
and instead i go to invisible circus with ruby
seeing as its her birthday,
so i went to hers after school to hang out
and pop home for dinner and to pick up my clothes,
i was about to walk back
and dad offers me a lift,
then i get a phone call from jeannie,
saying there leaving now and i should meet them there.
and so i have no costume no make up
and i have to Beg dad to give me a lift down there.
so i really rush to put something on,
and don't have time for makeup
and i really can't handle being rushed,
so in the car i had little cry seeing i left my phone :/
and i get there and i don't have my phone to check were anyone is?
so i have to stand in my own on the corner, shivering, for about half an hour,
until i see ruby and her friend come round the corner,
i ran up to them and they sort of pass me on and told me to find everyone at the back,
so i went round and they had already made all their plans,
so they put me with this guy called max i had met once at womad,
they all went in and so me and max walked up with our tickets,
they stop me,
(i had cried my makeup off previously)
and therefore looked young
i was like Oh fucck D:
i couldn't really do anything about it...
i didn't have a phone to ring my parents.
i was desperately holding back my tears.
i just had to walk away
after saying sorry to max,
and i burst into tears just walking up to the bus stop.
and everyone was staring at me.
for the half hour i was waiting
i could hardly ask for my road on the bus
i couldn't breath
i had never taken the bus on my own before.
when i got home,
as soon as i felt at home
i burst into tears
and then anything and everything made me cry.
i looked in the fridge we had no food,
i started crying again,
there was nothing to watch on tv
when i tried to get to sleep my pillow was so wet.
it was not my day. :/
and i could only think about all the little things that could of changed that would of made this day a good one. :/
Posted by ChazzNoir at 04:15
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
today has been full of hard work followed by pointlessness
my drama performance is my main focus right now,
so i have had to do my last minute shops
mum gives me hastle.
its okay really.
i'm not nervous.
i will be tomorrow
if you want to watch me go mad :D
i think i would really like to go mad.
like my character.
Posted by ChazzNoir at 09:56
Sunday, 2 May 2010
had one of the best fucking nights last night,
just a group of us sat around 4 in the morning
talking about everything
from gossip to real physiological thoughts, death, what we are,
that in-between massages, mindless lying on each other
jokes and play fighting
i have to say i really enjoyed myself :)
no drugs, no sex, no alcohol(well except half a bottle of wine)...
just thoughts and friends.
and the ironic thing is we were talking about death and what we live for
and that night i think is exactly what i live for,
Posted by ChazzNoir at 11:53