DreamMare

i stayed at toms,
he had people round
i thought it would be like old times,
sitting round the bonfire
playing in the straw
but we stayed in his room
drank lots
and some decided to have sex.
cheers.

i couldn't sleep
desperately trying to block out the vile sounds of them fucking
but every-time i did
nightmares.
the tight feeling around my chest
i couldn't breath
the feeling of being trapped
i just wanted to go for a walk.
but i was stuck
and it was so dark,
and empty
and feeling like i was alone
even though i could feel an unwanted presents
in control of me
it made me cry
i tried not to disturb the Fuckers
not that they were considering if they were disturbing me,
i kept feeling little cuddles from jasper and ngaio
i didn't sleep most of the night
i just sat up on the pillow i was trying to sleep on,
and just thought in my head,
about death?
life?
sanity?
soul?

i had to feel around in the dark found some headphones
listened to some cocorosie
the music that looks after me
until my phone buzzed at me saying its pill time
i took my pill
everyone was sleeping
jeannie had now left tom in his bed and i think she was sleeping on the sofa,
jasper was curled around ngaio like he was protecting her
my eyes wouldn't stop tearing
i looked out the window for a while
it was just getting light
the birds sounded unreal
like a recording on loop
i picked up my stuff
and started walking home
barefoot
the tiny sharp stones didn't even feel bad
and the stinging nettles did not sting me.
i walked up the allotments paths
and didn't feel like going home
so i steered off to the park
the new play area was finished
a sand pit
i sat, rolled, lay, climbed, stood, shrunk
Played.
no on else was here.
but i could hear people not far off in the main part or the park
so when a mother and her daughter was walking towards me to play in this area
i quickly tip-toed away.
walking past all the Debris from the night before
and the merry people who obviously haven't been to bed yet
and a group of students just all sleeping on each other in a circle
a group smiled "Good Morning" to me
i love that.