.

lets just say i see things differently...

MY house

let me paint a little picture for you:

MY Dad: strong hearted, loving, fair person,

Almost in tears in his room going insane because everything is fucked in this house

My mum, addicted, jokey, doesn't know when to stop, Schizophrenic, alcoholic mess

in her room music on full, playing recorder, drunk, screaming, laughing etc D:

my brother: innocent, naive, unhelpful, self centered, occasionally caring

in the living room with about 10 mates, drinking smoking, messing around watching football,

me: alone, needy, hormonal, mood swing, think things through too much

sat on my own thinking about how i could help but too scared to stand up for myself,

so ill just right about it and see if anyone cares.

you know,

its like when your with him

its not that no-one else exists,

its that no-one else is important to you anymore ):

& it's not just me who feels that :/

anyway everything works itself out & if not we learn and move on,

except i don't think i can move on

i've worked to hard on this.

):

home is empty,

school is lonely,

i look forward to my thursday nights,

cheers mum

just spent 2 hours and 3 double sided sheets of paper on MATHS D: wtf?!!

it's horrific, save the trees please, no more homework (even though its online)

*eats brownie*

Nom nom

made £10 today from shredding paper :D i thought i was babysitting :)

still money is money and maybe now i can buy some lunch?

or just put it towards the bills we can't afford,

Its just so annoying, i cut back on luxury's (in other words i have 1 meal a day(£2-£5) + snack(50p)

and then mum gets her everyday 2 bottles of wine(£15) & 2 packets of 20 fags(£12) & take away(£10) D:

and still no job?

cheers mum real contributions to the family

atleast i get the one off babysitting, or paper shredder?!!

Geeshh D:

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

i keep asking, my brian is not responding,

just Blank,

went to the launderette with dad not quite as good as last time seeing as mum kept ringing dad up every 10 mins "IS IT DONE YET

WHY IS IT TAKING SO FUCKING LONG I WANT TO GO OUT I WANT SOME WINE AND CIGARETTES AND A TAKEAWAY MNLAARGH

MNLEEERGH"

DX

i want a hug, and i want to change do something creative maybe but on my own it wouldn't feel as achieving if no-one's there to

appreciate

i wore my hair up(change), and got my sprays out and decorated the garden, dad will love that :/ pink orange and black

i would like to do my room, haven't much space to and don't want to go wrong and have a shit bit of wall D:

jess seems so happy spending precious david time, as the facebook keeps warning me of new pictures

and it's nice she has olivia and jake to sort-of double date with, jess did offer me if i wanted to go to something happening at portland

square but umm, i don't want to be all mopey at them, + it's probably the more sane thing to keep away from couples so as to keep my head at bay,

feel ill in the mental way

Green Tea & Bed please.

):

Ms Lonely

i know i'm not allowed to be but i don't know why,

i just want to be with someone,

Anyone, it's so annoying i have to plan atleast a day ahead to get jesse cause apparently david has booked her already i don't want it to be like this taking turns? shes not a doll i wish we could hang around together but it's just whenever i'm hanging round with them together its like davids marking his territory like mid sentence im talking to jess aand he just pulls her over to him and she just go's with it and im left there looking stupid talking to no-one.

:/

and she is so smart i really need help with maths and stuff i wish there was more time in the world, i know she does try but sometimes it's like im her spare time friend, shes been very close with olivia aswell recently,

i really need someone i can depend on :/

i wish i didn't upset people,

i wish people didn't upset me,

i wish i didn't think about things too much

& i wish i wasn't lonely.

needs (Special)

today i have come to the conclusion that i think people like hanging around with me but no-one really needs me, 

everyone has someone, either a boyfriend, a family member, or just a best friend, 

i think i need/depend on other people too much,

& i hate being disappointed. & i am often

im rather obsessive and needy. i hate that.

i was thinking about that stupid old thing what people would be like if i didn't exist,

&, everyone seems fine. they all have their loving other half's & family's and i think i upset people by accident which makes them a little happier without me, 

^lager&Pyjamas =]

Questions..

today i got asked many things by strangers that go to my school, "are you a model?" i replied "not at the moment" & "why do you dye your hair like that?" i replied "i want to be a rainbow"

but the one that made me think the most was "Why do you always hang around with couples?" i replied "i don't on purpose i'm just the last on left." it made me feel a bit lonely.

arty-farty

ive been hanging around with tess and dom more, because i feel a little ousted from everywhere else and it's cold outside and as much as i love them both it's a little hard to see them together, 

me and jesse had a really lovely evening together on tuesday :) we carried on the picture we were painting and talked about organizing a weekly arts day were we can be creative, I AM SOO EXITED :D

i feel alot more intouch with my dad now, we have more laughs and generally smile more

mum, still can't last 24 hours without her 40 fags, 2 bottles of wine, loud music, and her voice screaming the house down, just last night when i was just about to fall asleep shes right outside my door shouting at dad who i remember going to bed about an hour ago, and it was non-stop shouting, and when she would run out of things to complain about she would repeat it again and again, :/ in the end i had to get up and actually put her back into her own room, were i could still here her, i grabbed my ears plugs and put the pillow over my head.

and as usual this morning she completely forgets everything and pretends like its all back to normal 

dad:)

i had such a lovely evening with my dad :)

seeing as the washing machine broke we had to go to the launderette and it took about an hour so we just laughed around and it was a internet launderette so we went on the computers and got confused about how the machines worked,.. 

i worked it out Obv. :)

then we went out to get chicken for foods, joked around again, lovely, laughing, smiling, joking, play-fighting like good friends :)  i haven't really bonded with him in a while so it was special :)

:)

happy birthday :/

on holiidddaaay for my birthday,

i feel like i have had a bit of a rubbish birthday, :/ ungrateful me yeaah,

on my actual day we were in a car/boat journey to isle of white,  i get car sick and im scared of water :/

and i got to open a couple little presents, and lovely jubbely jesse made me yummy chocolate spread cake, :) that was probably the best thing that day, but everyone was just too worn out from the long journey to much care, :/ & Mum Completely ruined the start of it (previous post)

we didn't do anything, and i had to make myself dinner, which was 3 slices of bacon (no brown sauceD:), jesse was lovely but a little distracted by her phone or more to whos on the other side of it,

mum was being horrible, got pissed every night, being VERY difficult and i had to get out of bed about 8 times each night to put her to bed :/ like a child

i really just wanted a hug from jesse but i think she had other things on mind :/

we went Water Zorbing :) that was good fun, & had a photo-shoot cause we were staying with a stylist and photographer :) prettyyy :)

its okay i guess

thankyou jesse for making it special x

happy birthday to me..

hmm, last night was a bit of bum,

mum got very pissed and was playing loud music, shouting & crying, as usual,

but now with added hitting, insulting, and damn right hatred, 

i needed some washing done for going to isle of white today,

i can' work the washing machine and it leaked everywhere

andmy washings still in there full of water so i can't open it and it wont drain :/

so last night, lets just forget as we do,

according to mum everything is fine now. :/

i wish she would atleast apologize,

maybe she doesn't remember 

maybe i should let her listen to the tape i recorded. :|

2 1/2

Charly: alone,

Dave(dad): asleep

Max(brother):Out

Rachel(Mum):pissed shouting crying laughing 

2 1/2 days (L)

im off to play PassThePigs

BUNCHES

at Jamies last night,

had a bit of a sesh,

the morning after everyone sort of just left? 

and i was stranded in easton feeling like crap!

so i just wandered around for a while looking hungover and trampy 

i was sick in a bush somewhere :S and  then randomly started crying its was not pretty.

eventually i rang mum and it took her about an hour to find me, then the whole way home she was just insulting me. :/

jesse had plans to go to town and me and her were going to walk together and have a lovely little chat on the way but she went to olivia's instead so i got home and just fell asleep mum said she would wake me at 12 to get ready for town but she didn't, and i wouldn't of really enjoyed walking on my own so i woke up at 4 and just did nothing again. :/

i did put my hair in bunches though.