Dreams*

i have been having wonderful dreams :) 

i would love to live in my head more :)

But not to be lazy.

no.

but wow it seems like anything can happen but not stupid little childs imagination like when your really in trouble you can just fly away, no, you have to solve your own puzzles but i always do and it's brilliant. 

My dream just a couple of nights ago it was me and dom on a rolacosta it was very scary! and kept looking like it was breaking but i felt safe next to him,

then we were in school or something odd and he was being soooo lovely helping me out and super friendly, 

then my dream just now (i have only just woke up) it was in school but school was like a 102 story building, we got the lift up to the 101 floor and had to walk to up the last stairs and they were blocked off saying it was dangerous but emily broke through the barrier and dom was holding me to make sure i didn't fall we could hear it cracking. and then we heard a party at the 1st floor but the stairs were broken so we jumped of the edge and slowely floated down holding hands and smiling more than ever :D magic hey?

i got a text from ruby, well first i text her saying how lonely i am and i want someone to come over and she replied:

You need to learn to be alone, you will like yourself better for it as you will have a chance to get to know yourself as you are the most important person in your life thus the best friend you could ever have. having friends there will always be other people in the world but you only have one life :) i'm not on drugs i just like being alone so i always have time to think about things.

-Ruby

so now i will dream more. and less crap :D

|:|

bordum.

so used to being around my friends almost all the time, now just family who don't speak D:

womad :D

WOMAD:

:D

just back from womad and it only rained for a day but it was the night we chilled in our massive tent so it was okay 

i got TRASHED friday and saturday, 

like completely as in people had to carry me home and i regrettably was sick on saturday but i don't remember it so its okay :D

& my friendeey's were all so lovely to look after me :] 

fun fun fun :D

i got two hats which i want to never take off i wish i had two heads so i could wear them both,

and everyone was so surprised at how even after passing out from drunkness i could still be the brightest bunny in the morning :) 

eey

and there was a hole in my inflatable mattress |:| D:

but i did get to eat LOTS of Gorgeous food from all over the world :D and listen to luuuurvely music and dance and sing and run around and shop and smile and dress up

xx

T4

supposed to be at T4 tommorow...! but my friend is yet to hand over my ticket D: it looks like a miss.

damn

ugly.

haven't had a photo in a while, haven't been made to take our photo by jesse,

don't want one of just me

i feel ugly.

:) :(

This morning wow i was happy i was actually happy without even trying, i walked to school playing happy song in my ipod, and i smiled i didn't stop smiling. :)

then come lunchtime it hit me, jesse had gone off somewhere with david everyone and their boyfriends were sat round the tree in the rain and i stood in the middle of the atrium and felt like crying, D: i tried to be happy i tried to join all the people under the tree but the more i was there the more i felt alone, people kept coming up to me saying are you okay charly? your looking ill. ): i did run off to the toilets to wipe the tears off but the girls in there kept saying omg theres a crying girl in their, i text jesse to let her know i was feeling sad again she normally cheers me up or atleasts gives me a hug but i then got a text from one of her friends saying something like: look jesse is sad and has her own problems she can't always be here for you or me. i really didn't want to here that from anyone except jess, i hate it when personal things are shared, but its okay for her she has dom she has the one that I like ): so when she doesn't have jess she can have dom someone special just for her, i don't, jesse was my someone special, my run to and cry person but now she just doesn't want to know?

*wants to die  D: *

D:

i don't know, okay?

and i don't think i ever will.

i feel like rubbish 

i feel like everyone else thinks im rubbish im controlling 

(as today i was bossing everyone around trying to film)

and i'm the last one left in the world to not have a partner D:

almost everyone of my friends, and it just makes me feel like Whats Wrong with ME?!! D:

but then i answer myself and feel even more rubbish

i don't even want a boyfriend i just want someone to care for me ):

xx

jesse

last night i was all feeling a bit sorry for myself, 

and lonely i got out all the stuff that me and jesse did together eg: little note books of things, pictures, photos, we have changed a bit since then though,

well i don't feel like i have i think jess has since shes got a boyfriend, change happens though and atleast now shes happy 

we were talking the other day about how im a bit too clingy and she needs to spend more time with david and her other friends and she said something that kind of crushed me a little inside

something to do with how it wasnt just us, and she doesn't want it to be just us 

i can understand she has other friends i just got too obsessive cause i had never had a Bestest bestest friend like that and i think im not enough for her, even if shes enough for me.

i miss how it used to be.

talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk

needs|wants|not allowed to

MAD

it's been  a while i have a dark cloud over me,

i have very bad goings on in my head,

and i want to talk about it but i have been forbidden to,

its not silly things like so&so has a crush on... etc 

its really shit and makes me want to cry thinking about it ):

i try to tell jesse, but she is occupied, i don't want to seem too clingy

& i think i have been dismissing everyone else, i really don't know why i love all my other friends,

but this is making me go mad inside my own head, if you see me i will probably be smiling laughing, making a stupid comment over things then whenever i have just a second to think it comes back and i feel like curling into a ball and hibernating. but then everyone has something to sort out for themselves so i'l just talk in my head mostly because i find myself VERY annoying and hate to hear my own voice and live in a bubble 

every-things changing and thats why i'll stay the same