new years...

dad's getting worse, D:

he's not even allowed to be drinking whilst on anti-depressants

hes really horrible when he's been drinking,
like as horrible as mum but in different way's

tess and a couple of her boy friends stayed over,
me and tess drank too much, and stole my brother's beers
which this morning i found were actually Rueben's
must give him some money :/

i still don't know what on earth i'm doing for new years :S
i have lots of options,
i could go up to leicester to my uncle's (but i wont have any friends there excluding the cousins)
i could go to jeannie's(but she has so many partie's it wouldn't be as special)
i could go with mum to my cousins sam's (but i don't like seeing mum get trashed and i wont know anyone their)
i could go to town with a couple of mates(but that altogether would cost about £30 and i don't have that)
all i want to do is have a big bash at my house :/

oh crap.

is it true...


has christmas really been and gone.


oh crap i missed it.

sorry friends

happy christmas,

didn't feel like christmas
i got all the regular little things as usual,
jewelry
chocolate.
bath stuff

and a hat :)


and i'm sorry to all who were as exited as i,
New years party is off,
lots of people have been asking why...

it's just my parents.

dads going to leicester.
mums going my cousins.

and thy don't trust me. obviously

x2

is there any point in even trying?


dads drunk again ):

the worst thing is, He's the strong one,

and now he's braking down.

i don't want 2 alcoholic parents

=[

to & dad

after lisa's xmas party we got back mum is in her little winesville
banging on the door of dads room telling him hes shit,
she went down stair's and saw a lovely big wrapped present under the tree
she shouts down to me WHOS THIS FOR?!!?
i don't answer,
I BET IT'S FOR YOUR FUCKING DAD ISN'T IT, CAUSE YOUR A FUCKING DADDY'S GIRL FUCK YOU!
(she reads the label)
OH FOR FUCK SAKE FUCK OFF YOU DON'T GET ME ANYTHING EVER YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT FOR FUCK SAKE FUCK YOU!

i come in... mum have you read the label?
YEAH IT SAYS "daddyyyyy"
no mum, it says' to mum and dad.'
WHAT..? SHUT U... oh thankyou. but FOR FUCK SAKE etc.




(L)Snow


last year was amazing.
friends,
thick soft white snow,
lots of day's off school.
and pictures to prove it,



this year...

upper years have gone.
friends have deteriorated,

so now there is no fun side to it any more.

its just cold wet and slippy,

can someone please come and enjoy the good parts with me?

Jeannie'sChristmasDo

sorry this is a little late it's supposed to be from Friday Night.

alot happened.

i don't remember much.
thats probably not very good.

started the night drinking alot :D

but when all alcohol was drank and still not as up as i wished i am admitting to taking extremes to Tish's Fairy Dust.

now i'm not a junkie i can promise you that.

i have rules:

Try everything* once.

Rule 1. if it's not as good as it's worth (knowing all the risks and all)

then never again.

*and by everything i mean this sensibly like say NO to the big ones

Rule 2. take in very small doses at a time. (KNOW YOUR LIMITS)

and yeah nothing has been worth it so far, :)

which is good.

anyway i think this 'thing' i had with my lovely boy is finished i don't think it meant as much to him as it did to me, seeing as at the party he got with this other girl (which incidentally people have said is a 'Little me') and shes 2 years younger so..
bit upset but live on we weren't exclusive.

:/

all together a lovely party,

jeannie was very stressed,
even though she was away with the fairy's too.

Winesville.

for once...

yes mum is still drunk but not as bad as normal, less violent and abusive, more wobbly and sluurd

dad.. he is drunk why...? earlier i told him, i looked him in the eye and said don't have any more
he looked disappointed at himself and said okay.. for you

Obviously not,
then half way home (i asked mum to drive)
she kicked him out the car because he laughed at her,
or something silly.
but that was no excuse for dad drunkenly standing up in the middle of dinner and saying how horrible mum is to all her family,
luckily she wasn't in the room or she would of killed him

then now, were just arrived home and she starts having a go at me so i tell her, "yes dad maybe drunk now but your like this every night usually worse" she didn't like to hear that so she just kept repeating what dad is like,

i sighed and came up here were she can't be bothered to walk as far as.

another night in Winesville. (i've decided to call it that after mums love of the stuff)

cheers mum.

i Brilliant night out with my Family :)

So far as to be expected
ruined by the usual ungrateful alcoholic

thanks again.

:|

havven't seen mum today,
good thing i guess..

handed in all my english coursework! :D

my friend and her new boy came round today,
lucky her.

finished our video and tried to put it online but someone aborted it -_-

trying again.

went to ARTrageous got some tshirts and dye (Christmas presents soon :D)

now i'm going to bed to think about the most scariest thing thats happened to me in a long time.

i was out at a family do (younger generations)

and walked home with my brother and cousin (19 & 22)

we were fine, still a little drunk just finding our way home

and we were attacked.





i don't think i have gone from happy to almost in tears so fast before.
a gang looking drunk&drugged stumbled towards us we avoided them by walking a meter into the road just for personal space when one of the guys for no reason took a swing at my cousin,
knocked him out onto the floor the other guy went for my brother pushing him around and hitting him in the face,
i stopped, none of them had seen me, i ran past and hid behind the nearest wall just watching them i couldn't help they could hardly help themselves, whats a little girl going to do, one of them had a pole and was hitting my brother and cousin, a taxi swerved past with people just safely going home after a night one of the guys through my cousin in-front of it, luckily it stopped in time but now the guy that was on my brother had gone up to the taxi ripped open the door and was threatening the people inside. my brother ran to me, to check i'm okay he took me round the corner and got me to hide in a well lit up public car park, so i scaled the fence and waited, he gave me his valuables and went off to look for my cousin, i just sat there think of all the things that could go wrong, they could hurt my brother or my cousin are they already hurt? if they were hurt badly would they come back for me? what if the people found me, what would they do, what could i do to stop them i stayed close to the buzzer on the wall that you could ring to be let into the building and then my brother came back i got back over the fence and gave him his stuff back, he couldn't find my cousin so we rang my dad to pick us up and we went back onto the main road, then our cousin came round the corner looking pretty ruffed up, dad picked us up, no-one was hurt badly, my cousin had a little memory loss. and they took his hat,

why would anyone do that..?

who would have the heart.

:'(

& there's no-one i can properly talk to. :'(

D:

omg i don't know what to do anymore
she is beyond help
she has put herself too far into her own little world to ever believe there is the real world
i can't help her anymore
she is so sure what she thinks is true and as much as i tell her she wont listen
i don't care what she says about me anymore
or when she hurts me
i want something to happen to sort this out and i have tried myself to make this happen
and it works for about a month but it's something as serious as threatening to call childline and i hate to make other people feel shit, especially on such a scale and then after that month it just go's back to shit.

i know even though it's shit now it will probably be fine tomorrow morning and day, and then evening comes and the drink comes out and it's shit again,

HOW CAN I STOP THIS CYCLE!!!!

its causing me and my family such distraught!

:/

ive never known anyone so difficult and self sabotaging
i try to tell her every evening, "CAN'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?!!!"
but now i realized it doesn't work even if you shout it in her face
that just makes her cry.

so now i just remind her
but she doesn't listen.
she just turns it to something else,

"Mum you have a problem!"

"Oh and im the only one in the world am i?!"

"no mum but yours is most serious right now***(she interrupts)

***"NO NO its your dad its him he has the problem hes driving this house insane its him its him"

"mum listen...***

***NO its not me its him your always just like Daddyyy you stupid little daddy's girl, you stupid girl you just go dadddyyyyyyy daddyyy and you get whatever you want"

"no mum it's not that please stop changing the subject***

***AND your always rude to me infront of your friends you tell me to fuck off"

"no mum i just know when your drunk and you come in and and before you do something inappropriate i try to stop you and make you leave***

***NO you just always try and look cool infront of your friends"

"no mum i'm just embarrassed by you anyway this isn't whats important***

"Oh Fuck off!!!! go to Daddy go on fuck off"

"Mum shush just because you don't want to hear what i'm trying to say because you know it's true and you can't be fucked to do anything to change or improve the situation your in!***

***NO FUCK OFF I DON'T CARE...


etc.

just s little snippit of my evening.

:/

Charly is...

i wander what people think about me,

am i the one who everyone is nice to face to face then when i leave it's like OMG THERE SO ANNOYING!

or am i the one that everyone knows but doesn't include me when making plans.

am i the extra..

or the nothing,

when i see someone with their friend and their all fine, then when their friend leaves and they go god i hate that person and start talking about them i ever wander if thats me..? it's hard to tell cause they don't say it to my face.


i hate this time of the month when i get all self conscious and i start picking on myself, and i say silly things like i'm so ugly, and it really annoys everyone, i can't loose friends now, ive only just started to find them.

its business time.

many people are in debt, agreed
but we are in serious almost getting kicked out our house debt,
so i decided to take it apon myself to ear some money i know my little contributions wont help the bills but maybe if i can make enough to feed/look after myself it will be a little less of dad, their is the obvious getting a job (i have applied Many places doing things like watering, washing up etc) but credit crunch and all, most places are looking for older more experienced workers so i have a little list of other lovely things to try:

making and selling clothes:

(buying old tee-shirts from charity, tie-dye or redesign,)

Pillow Case Clothes in the past ive got a couple of old pillow cases and made them into Rather Lovely tops :D

selling my old clothes and toys

making Wire Trees, (a little hobby)

baby sitting

dog walking

but i would rather be more creative than dog walking or baby sitting,

.. and no big Christmas presents, i will ask for little ones and instead of buying for others i will make them. :)

£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££=]£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££

^^ (_) ^^

so i'm kind-of seeing this guy, not really but like we both like other people,
we just meet up a bit and act like a couple,

hes lovely but atm to me, all boys are.

and i think i'm very scared of commitment. Shit.

he makes me feel a little bit special in the short periods of time we spend together
i don't think he see's me the same,
i think he just thinks that im a bit of fun.

that gave me a little boost of :)

just for mum to suck it out of me.
i tried to talk to her seriously like grown-ups only she decided she didn't want to be a grown-up
i told her she needed to see someone, that she needed desperate help. she didn't like to hear that
i don't think anyone would, but anyone doesn't respond like she does, she goes on thinking shes queen and everyone else has the problem she went round pushing the pictures off the walls and knocking things over screaming "WHAT IS EVERYONES PROBLEM! everyone has problems i'm not the only one," i told her "yes everyone does have their own little problems but mum, yours is on a much larger scale and its become a health risk not just to you"

she went round again, slamming door's, pushing over chairs "WHY DOES EVERYONE OBJECT TO ME"

i didn't get much sleep last night.

i would really like to fall inlove with someone appropriate now. please,

or do i?

i don't know,
i am a child
at Heart.

and i don't just say that.

i play with toy's
i dress up
i tell myself little story's
i still feel too young for a boyfriend
i still beg for attention by hitting, biting, annoying etc.

i think i'm going to ask people what they think my mental age is,

if you read this, comment saying what you really think don't just say i'm very mature to make me feel better, i think there is a real problem. i will have to see someone about this...

SEX

oh no, i am defiantly cutting back on having sleep overs with couples, i am disgusted D:

i may just be being a a baby but three different couples in the room having sex! Noises and all

how the hell am i supposed to sleep through that, and why would i want to, one couple were on the same mattress as me,
eeeeugh i am horrified, and will not be attending many more of these sex-athons!!!

plus i could tell i wasn't really wanted their either, know-one particularly wanted me to leave it was just no-one really cared if i was there, i spend most of the time with my friends baby sister,

tess was there, and she made me happy, poor her being squashed against sex group number 1 though, she kept tickling my belly too keep me awake cause i was the only one who kept having to tell them to stop having sex on tess!

RRRgh and the lovely boy i like is soon to be going out with lovely girl he likes, they went on a date apparently,
i wish someone would take me on a date.

so i have salty wet tissue on my face

so i have salty wet tissue on my face only because my nose piercing is infected (And i popped it Eww) blood was everywhere so now i have to hold a bit of salty tissue on my nose,

i feel gross, my nose has a big lump on it, my hair does a stupid wave thing, i never have time to put make up on, or find nice clothes to wear, i have spots, blotchy skin, and i look like a twig,

i actually got bullied the other day, its year 11 and some girls are still acting like age 11, they called me fat (Because i'm very thin) and said i have a big ass (because i don't) they said it in more harsh words than that but i don't feel like talking about it,

it put a downer on the rest of my day, :/

tomorrow i get to wear a mustache to school :)

am i worth it? do i have problems?

craigs probably on the way to his train now,
i didn't get to see him.

partly my mum,
partly my Friends being lazy,
maybe im just not worth the walk.

):

i miss him muchly

max decided to be a moody little girl today.

Helpful.

today i realized mum thinks i have a problem,
in the way that she has problems (like medical problems)
and today she said she will go out and get me some pills?
she said like aspirin but for my head and Heart..

do i have problems?

if i did would i be able to tell?

Feels all Horrible And Shakeey ):

craigs back, :)
hes in bristol idn how long for i haven't seen him yet. :/
after school jess said she would ring me,
so i could come pick him up with her,
she didn't,
so i got a call at about 9:30 saying what shall we do?
i text back shortly after saying want to come to mine?
(cause mum wasn't bright on the idea of me going out)
she replied their staying at toms i can come if i like,
i had an argument with mum about how i'm 16 now and i can go out
had a cry
then eventually mum said
if i would clean my room
the bathroom,
living room
and kitchen
super speedy i could,
i did.
(mum was not within drinking limits)
so i text asking if they could come and meet me,
(not allowed on my own)
(wouldn't want to anyway their have been some dodgy things)

no. sorry too lazy.

night gone.

.

or atleast someone to look after me,

dads away for work.
and mum takes this opportunity to lay into me,
because she knows im not strong when i have no-one to cry to..
usually i would go stay with a friend.
but i think they probably find me a burden on their GCSE's
so i'm not going to ask.
im glad bobs being sweet but a little odd too.
in the middle of lunch whilst everyone was sat together and he says:
are you still depressed then?
and my face went pink and i looked at everyone looking at me,
laughed, and said shut up bob,
i'm fine.
i think everyone judged me a little bit then,
but i don't care,
i want things to get better please,

when does it all get better

ive been through it before it gets bad, then worse, then all better again & carries on usually at 'My time of the Month' its at its best, but not now, i am at a new low, usually i have a special friend to help me through but not right now, i have friends but no-one really i can cry down the phone to, not any more.

dad: can't help anymore can't even help himself.

max: doesn't understand that now i have to spend all my time revising usually on the computer that when i need to use it (or half way through using it) i will need to get back on it as soon as i can, "oh yeah just a minute" i get every day whilst he lounges with his feet up playing Stupid un-important games that slow the computer down completely especially when the computer is already Fucked! and we can't get a new one until max pays back the £400 he owes dad but still he decides to either go out most nights or just spend all his money on beers and sits in his room with his friends playing football on the Xbox (what an exiting life you lead)

Mum: wow shes worse not just worse than max but worse than she has previously been she sits in her bed all day watching day time T.V drinking at-least 2 bottles of wine, smoking 40 cigarettes a day and generally wasting life, then i get home an opportunity to shout at me for doing nothing (hypocrite) and even though max has been home all day she doesn't shout at him cause she can't be bothered to leave her room and he just sits in his room playing Xbox so they don't cross paths THEN dad gets home and she complains to him about how i haven't done any work just because i responded to mum saying SHE hasn't done any, dad is too tired from spending all day working to argue so he just tells me to make an effort and then mum has a go at him for not shouting at me.

okay i don't want to say much more sorry i ranted on. i just had a crappy day. and a crappy week, and i feel there is no-one looking after me,
i guess i shouldn't rely on others
or i'm just being selfish.

.

i have nothing.

nothing to say.
nothing to do.
nothing and no-one.

whats the point?


not even a picture.

hi im charly &...

...i think I'm really annoying everyone around me, :/

The Sky Is Crying, ):

as soon as i try to write my blog it rained, Alot, it is raining
i just woke up today was:
School
home (no-one is here? i may as-well relax)
ended up falling asleep! (Dreamt of this guy i know it wasn't a particularly positive dream in my favor, but i shouldn't be dreaming of him i have known him for a while and i would really like to get to know him better but im sure i don't mean in the Dreamy kind of way?)
woke up at like 6/7 oh crap i was supposed to go to jeannie's, text her apologizing, but i couldn't leave anyway until dad got back...
fell asleep Straight away!!! what is wrung?
woke up at 9 dads head peered round the door i was all disorientated i thought i was late for school!! i got up in a rush my leg hurts (Earlier P.E incident Hah i jumped on bessie) got up went to see mum got shouted at for about half an hour (don't ask me what for) got some useful out of her, dad has gone out with my brother to see a band,

i hope i don't have feelings for this guy, i know i go all stupid and obsess. :/

Spaare change?

Change is SHIT!
i hate change,
if change was a person, i would hit them in their face
change is the reason i spend my evenings alone,
change is the reason i loose my friends,
change is the reason i forget things
change is the reason i hate myself
change is the reason things arn't always good
change is the reason im lonely,
but after hitting 'Change' i would say sorry and give them a hug because
change is the reason i want to find new friends
change is the reason i stay unique
change is the reason i want to do something new,
but thats only good change
i would rather there was no because for me their tends to be alot more bad change than good, :/

Started off slow,

loads of people who said they would didn't turn up :/

it was just some of my close friends & bob!

(which i now consider my close friend cause i luff him :D)

well it wasn't even all my close friends just some, and some extras,

jess wasn't there ):

i don't know if it turned out good, i had drank quite alot i had made bob drink quite alot :D

bob was sick aww >,<>

maybe jess would like to come to my new years party.

^This is bob :)

^this is yazmine trying to steal my bob :D

^This is me getting biscuits through at me :D

^This is tom being wrapped in toilet roll

Max WTF?!

my brother is being such a self centered Arrogant Twat right now,

and has just made this a fucking horrible day for me,

Firstly he brought back a load of girls and they were all squealing up and down the stairs at 5 in the morning woke everyone,

i was in a bad mood being woken i had a go at him telling him to move out and do something with his life or just be stuck £400 in dept and still living with mum & dad

it would be fine if he brought back girls to HIS own place

but not when you live with your dad who has to get up for work 3 hours later

and his little sister who is hormone City right now!!

mum was up at that time anyway mums bedtime is usually about 7 in the morning till about 2

and i am sooooo stressed with all this drama corsework

mum told us to clean the kitchen

i was really not up for that

i had drama to type up

but still i gritted my teeth and tried to get on with it,

max had a strop and decided to just watch cartoons(being 19 and all)

so mum had a go at him

and he finely came down to do the dishwasher

then started taking the piss out of me!

i did nothing to him he was just like

"wooooo charly your moody today"

well done max you have pointed out the obvious

and was really just prodding and provoking me

i just stormed out,

he tried to trip me up and then just carried on laughing at me D:

Real Mature there.

The world and their boyfriends are on holiday [Together]...

Today has been

Wasteful

but i'm surprised i even left my bed

Tess is/was in barcelona with Dom and various others,

jess took david on holiday

she doesn't go out anymore anyway

atleast not with me

The world and their boyfriends are on holiday...

and i can't help what other people feel i just wish they would think about how they effect other people. and maybe respect that.

i had a whole touching story to write about but i don't want to waist your time, Mr Nobody?

don't love me please

he comes up to me and holds my hand, then if i let go he says "Oh ouch" then he looks at me and makes a kissy noise and i walk off (he says Ouch again) then he comes over to me again and does it again and its annoying then he has really awkward convosations like "hey charly don't you hate it when you like someone and they don't notice"

im sorry that i don't like you but please go away!

i want what i can't have.

i have the worse case of that EVER,

i don't think i would ever be happy with someone unless they showed me no love at all

back to black

i often show my mood through clothes

and i have been wearing black recently :/

i don't even notice it its just get up find something put it on but it always relates to my mood

i'm very ungrateful btw,

ungrateful when i say i don't have many friends at the moment

ungrateful when i say im really unattractive

ungrateful when im sad

ungrateful when im not in the mood

ungrateful when people show me love and i ignore them D:

maybe i'm being ungrateful just complaining about it.

Stupid me

when i have a boyfriend i can imagine him...

he will be perfect,

he doesn't make stupid sexist jokes with his mates

we wont argue all the time

he will get on with all my friends

he will be there when i don't want to be here.

he wont be sex driven

& he wont be the sort-of person who would go out with anyone

i will be special to him

And he will be my everything.

GlitterTitties

Art today all day, Btec class

had a glitter fight with yazmine Hah

came home at lunch didn't feel too good

slept all day untill dinner

pork chops (L)

i would like to buy some pretty nose rings/studs :)

tuesday

Zach Braff(J.D from scrubs) isn't Dead :D yay

there were roomers that he had

i had my Cervical Cancer jab today Ouch it still hurts D:

and mum is still not talking to me,

staying at tess's tomorrow :)

it would be nice to get away from here,

Dad on anti depressants now,

Well done mum

not tonight, no not tonight

potato wedges and a green tea (Y)

:)

& a plaster on my nose, to stop the stud falling out in bed,

would like to go launderette?

dads busy

not on talking terms with mum

not allowed on my own D:

skele

halloween :)

i will be a skeleton, because well, it what best suits me, i am too thin D:

but for my birthday i did get a bones top so that and some skele tights, and a skirt?

i want to buy a big suit, they have them in blue banana but its alot of money to wear once,

and i can't wait to decorate :D

& have a party

had a third hole put in my nose :)

see picture VVV

:)

it didn't hurt at all, i was just really scared for hours before of it hurting

Bravee mee

now i just have to keep it in and wear plasters when i sleep and not sneeze :)

so... schools getting harder, but at-least I'm trying to learn it's so hard when half the class can't be bummed , :/

have not much homework cause i picked all practical lessons just a bit of learning lines or drawing :)

& i already know what collage to go to,

and im all on target just a little bit of improving to boost myself,

Average student.

with cool nose bling as my mum calls it

but she doesn't like it,

she just called me a chav

and when i said i wanted a ring she called me a pig, :/

supportive...

dads home from germany though :)

my weekend

fun pack sweets,

pizza

vodka

cider

limeade mixer

15p hamburger flavor crisps

bookshops

antique

chips

camera

ben

bunk-beds

horses

being responsible

& irresponsible

:)

Jeannies birthday party 09 xx

.

lets just say i see things differently...

MY house

let me paint a little picture for you:

MY Dad: strong hearted, loving, fair person,

Almost in tears in his room going insane because everything is fucked in this house

My mum, addicted, jokey, doesn't know when to stop, Schizophrenic, alcoholic mess

in her room music on full, playing recorder, drunk, screaming, laughing etc D:

my brother: innocent, naive, unhelpful, self centered, occasionally caring

in the living room with about 10 mates, drinking smoking, messing around watching football,

me: alone, needy, hormonal, mood swing, think things through too much

sat on my own thinking about how i could help but too scared to stand up for myself,

so ill just right about it and see if anyone cares.

you know,

its like when your with him

its not that no-one else exists,

its that no-one else is important to you anymore ):

& it's not just me who feels that :/

anyway everything works itself out & if not we learn and move on,

except i don't think i can move on

i've worked to hard on this.

):

home is empty,

school is lonely,

i look forward to my thursday nights,

cheers mum

just spent 2 hours and 3 double sided sheets of paper on MATHS D: wtf?!!

it's horrific, save the trees please, no more homework (even though its online)

*eats brownie*

Nom nom

made £10 today from shredding paper :D i thought i was babysitting :)

still money is money and maybe now i can buy some lunch?

or just put it towards the bills we can't afford,

Its just so annoying, i cut back on luxury's (in other words i have 1 meal a day(£2-£5) + snack(50p)

and then mum gets her everyday 2 bottles of wine(£15) & 2 packets of 20 fags(£12) & take away(£10) D:

and still no job?

cheers mum real contributions to the family

atleast i get the one off babysitting, or paper shredder?!!

Geeshh D:

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

chilled, bored, alone or just pathetically sad :\

i keep asking, my brian is not responding,

just Blank,

went to the launderette with dad not quite as good as last time seeing as mum kept ringing dad up every 10 mins "IS IT DONE YET

WHY IS IT TAKING SO FUCKING LONG I WANT TO GO OUT I WANT SOME WINE AND CIGARETTES AND A TAKEAWAY MNLAARGH

MNLEEERGH"

DX

i want a hug, and i want to change do something creative maybe but on my own it wouldn't feel as achieving if no-one's there to

appreciate

i wore my hair up(change), and got my sprays out and decorated the garden, dad will love that :/ pink orange and black

i would like to do my room, haven't much space to and don't want to go wrong and have a shit bit of wall D:

jess seems so happy spending precious david time, as the facebook keeps warning me of new pictures

and it's nice she has olivia and jake to sort-of double date with, jess did offer me if i wanted to go to something happening at portland

square but umm, i don't want to be all mopey at them, + it's probably the more sane thing to keep away from couples so as to keep my head at bay,

feel ill in the mental way

Green Tea & Bed please.

):

Ms Lonely

i know i'm not allowed to be but i don't know why,

i just want to be with someone,

Anyone, it's so annoying i have to plan atleast a day ahead to get jesse cause apparently david has booked her already i don't want it to be like this taking turns? shes not a doll i wish we could hang around together but it's just whenever i'm hanging round with them together its like davids marking his territory like mid sentence im talking to jess aand he just pulls her over to him and she just go's with it and im left there looking stupid talking to no-one.

:/

and she is so smart i really need help with maths and stuff i wish there was more time in the world, i know she does try but sometimes it's like im her spare time friend, shes been very close with olivia aswell recently,

i really need someone i can depend on :/

i wish i didn't upset people,

i wish people didn't upset me,

i wish i didn't think about things too much

& i wish i wasn't lonely.

needs (Special)

today i have come to the conclusion that i think people like hanging around with me but no-one really needs me, 

everyone has someone, either a boyfriend, a family member, or just a best friend, 

i think i need/depend on other people too much,

& i hate being disappointed. & i am often

im rather obsessive and needy. i hate that.

i was thinking about that stupid old thing what people would be like if i didn't exist,

&, everyone seems fine. they all have their loving other half's & family's and i think i upset people by accident which makes them a little happier without me, 

^lager&Pyjamas =]

Questions..

today i got asked many things by strangers that go to my school, "are you a model?" i replied "not at the moment" & "why do you dye your hair like that?" i replied "i want to be a rainbow"

but the one that made me think the most was "Why do you always hang around with couples?" i replied "i don't on purpose i'm just the last on left." it made me feel a bit lonely.

arty-farty

ive been hanging around with tess and dom more, because i feel a little ousted from everywhere else and it's cold outside and as much as i love them both it's a little hard to see them together, 

me and jesse had a really lovely evening together on tuesday :) we carried on the picture we were painting and talked about organizing a weekly arts day were we can be creative, I AM SOO EXITED :D

i feel alot more intouch with my dad now, we have more laughs and generally smile more

mum, still can't last 24 hours without her 40 fags, 2 bottles of wine, loud music, and her voice screaming the house down, just last night when i was just about to fall asleep shes right outside my door shouting at dad who i remember going to bed about an hour ago, and it was non-stop shouting, and when she would run out of things to complain about she would repeat it again and again, :/ in the end i had to get up and actually put her back into her own room, were i could still here her, i grabbed my ears plugs and put the pillow over my head.

and as usual this morning she completely forgets everything and pretends like its all back to normal 

dad:)

i had such a lovely evening with my dad :)

seeing as the washing machine broke we had to go to the launderette and it took about an hour so we just laughed around and it was a internet launderette so we went on the computers and got confused about how the machines worked,.. 

i worked it out Obv. :)

then we went out to get chicken for foods, joked around again, lovely, laughing, smiling, joking, play-fighting like good friends :)  i haven't really bonded with him in a while so it was special :)

:)

happy birthday :/

on holiidddaaay for my birthday,

i feel like i have had a bit of a rubbish birthday, :/ ungrateful me yeaah,

on my actual day we were in a car/boat journey to isle of white,  i get car sick and im scared of water :/

and i got to open a couple little presents, and lovely jubbely jesse made me yummy chocolate spread cake, :) that was probably the best thing that day, but everyone was just too worn out from the long journey to much care, :/ & Mum Completely ruined the start of it (previous post)

we didn't do anything, and i had to make myself dinner, which was 3 slices of bacon (no brown sauceD:), jesse was lovely but a little distracted by her phone or more to whos on the other side of it,

mum was being horrible, got pissed every night, being VERY difficult and i had to get out of bed about 8 times each night to put her to bed :/ like a child

i really just wanted a hug from jesse but i think she had other things on mind :/

we went Water Zorbing :) that was good fun, & had a photo-shoot cause we were staying with a stylist and photographer :) prettyyy :)

its okay i guess

thankyou jesse for making it special x

happy birthday to me..

hmm, last night was a bit of bum,

mum got very pissed and was playing loud music, shouting & crying, as usual,

but now with added hitting, insulting, and damn right hatred, 

i needed some washing done for going to isle of white today,

i can' work the washing machine and it leaked everywhere

andmy washings still in there full of water so i can't open it and it wont drain :/

so last night, lets just forget as we do,

according to mum everything is fine now. :/

i wish she would atleast apologize,

maybe she doesn't remember 

maybe i should let her listen to the tape i recorded. :|

2 1/2

Charly: alone,

Dave(dad): asleep

Max(brother):Out

Rachel(Mum):pissed shouting crying laughing 

2 1/2 days (L)

im off to play PassThePigs

BUNCHES

at Jamies last night,

had a bit of a sesh,

the morning after everyone sort of just left? 

and i was stranded in easton feeling like crap!

so i just wandered around for a while looking hungover and trampy 

i was sick in a bush somewhere :S and  then randomly started crying its was not pretty.

eventually i rang mum and it took her about an hour to find me, then the whole way home she was just insulting me. :/

jesse had plans to go to town and me and her were going to walk together and have a lovely little chat on the way but she went to olivia's instead so i got home and just fell asleep mum said she would wake me at 12 to get ready for town but she didn't, and i wouldn't of really enjoyed walking on my own so i woke up at 4 and just did nothing again. :/

i did put my hair in bunches though.

5 Days.

Jess is back today :) 

trip cut short for reasons 

Isle of White :) so exited.

i want to see jess.

i have just had a lovely roast dinner from my uncles girlfriend.

my family everyone sat round one table,

that hasn't happened in a LONG time

and even though now everyones gone off to their separate things again we still had a moment that showed me we can be civil with yummy food in-front of us and an alcohol shortage.

- Me in my new dress at the zoo, edited by my dad.

green tea

a day like any other exept this is the day of discovery 

i discovered green tea :P mmm mm m 

which i shall now drink unstead of my usual bottle of cola to keep the good health

annd Yoga & meditation i used to do all the time then had to stop because of not being able to gain inner peace(cheers mum) 

but ile just have to try it in the morning before she awakes and drinks the house.

been watching shooting stars haha :) funny stuff

haven't left the house again.

Birthday in 6 days

Charly is a woman..

the other day me, jeannie, katie a bessie went to town for the day,

it was fun and i had finely given up on having rainy day savings so i had a bit of money to spend..

on KitKat Milkshakes of corse :)

jesse text me whilst we were in town though saying she wanted to do something and i'm normally the one to ask her to come out and play, but she was with david and i have been told off in the past for trying to spend too much time with her, D:

so i was all confused, she sounded upset though, and she was going on holiday the next day,

but luckily soon WE will be going to the Isle of White (must take camera)

Last night we went out for a family meal with some of my parents friends and mum being mum, got very drunk and completely embarrassed us all, one of the people we were having a meal with was from italy and didn't understand some things but you could have a simple convosation and mum was just being So patronizing to him and quite insulting eeeurgh i hate it when shes like this :/ 

i need jesse, she keeps me strong.

rachel?

today was.. well, it may as-well of not existed in-fact i wished it didn't ):

i did nothing i woke up at 1 in the afternoon, after last night,

that was okay tish and naomi came round for the evening and tom,jeannie Jesse&david

i thought they might of been staying the night so i cleaned and made the beds,

but i think they already had plans to stay at davids so instead i went to walk naomis dogs with her and tish at midnight they went back and stayed at home on my own mum and dad were at a party down the pub,

but back to today, i started a big painting on my wall but got so pissed off with dad they its stressed me out too much and i just started throwing it around and getting annoyed

and mum didn't help completely shit faced as usual stumbling around shouting and screaming and being damn rude to everyone, earlier her friend lise came round and mum was just so out of order when she left the room lise just said im so sorry for you, 

it's been going on too long and it's killing dad, but he loves her and doesn't have to heart to stop her, the amount of cigarettes & wine she consumes is draining the money out twice as fast than it's coming in, she doesn't have a job and she is a general burden to all in this house, but then in the words of dad she is my mother and i must get along with her gosh, shes hard enough work when shes sober ):

ding dong whos there?

i wish people would call on me more often even uninvited, i'm always one to make the plans anyway jesse wanted to do something tonight so i will organize it, :)

=]

JESS IS BACK :D

all is well again,

yet still don't feel like leaving the comfort of home,

haven't eaten haven't properly left the house.

have no battery's for my camera to take my picture. 

i would rather not be seen right now anyway, 

its my birthday soon but on my birthday i have to go on a 6 hour car/boat journey to the isle of white :/ the good side of that is jesse is coming with me :)

my apple tree has apples now just about ripe, 

me and jesse should sell them around the park,

and i'm planning my party, for about a week away

do you feel a little updated..?

some people have it worse than me

stayed at Ngaio's with Ruby & Alice watched disney (i don't much like disney) but i'm not going to complain everyone else seems to love it, 

don't feel much better,

got mushroom(my gerbil) two Massive new cages i bought off ruby, made them up and he seems happy accept when he bit me for trying change his food, stupid rat.

i have present for jess, whenever i see her, it's been a while.

but some people have it worse than me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78XrI_2bPVA&NR=1

gave me a little smile

T.M(L)

i will just sit on the computer and watch Tim Minchin. (L)

Tears make typing hard,

i don't want to wright much cause I'd rather not put a downer to things but i'm in a really bad place right now and i can't see any improvement soon,

i am without jesse for no reason she's probably with david or something, but as much as i'm supposed to be getting on without her i can't but i am and its killing me and now i feel like doing nothing, staying in, and shutting the world out.

its hard to type, my eyes are so full of tears,

no-ones helping, no-ones here.

ALONE

i don't feel like writing all i have done since my last blog so i will just sum up my emotions and say Everyone FUCK OFF ):

i would like to Say:

i just wrote a whole post and deleted it,

knowing jess is the only one who reads my blog and i don't think it's what she would want to read. ): 

i will just keep it all locked up in my head. :/ till it drives me crazy

Craig

craig is lovely we had a cuddle last night because cuddles are nice, it was nothing like you would think it was, it was just nice.

tomtom

im at toms :)
playing in his garden
i held his chickens and we sat around the bonfire
and everyone is happy
me and jesse are spending quality time we just found a tire swing it was scary but fun i got a muddy bum :)
i have met Jesse's friend craig
he is lovely
exept i am still the ONLY single one in this room and there are 7 people in here including me :/
jesse, craig jeannie, tom, jake & olivia
david will be here soon so thats jesse gone and craig has a girlfriend i wouldn't try anything anyway cause im not that girl.
i do feel lonely though ): anyway not being on the computer i must spend my time with jesse :):):):):):):):):)

jessejessejesse

jesse's friends are coming down from london and im going to meet them 

jesse is very complimentary about them so they must be nice :)

& we will be dying our hair

and doing all sorts of Tutu&Pyjamas stuffs

i would of loved to dye my hair tonight but Jess said she wasn't allowed friends over and davids round there so they need alone time,

i want to go to balloon fest today but i couldn't get hold of jess till it was too late

i hope its still on tomorrow 

i can't wait.

HairCUT

hair CUT

hair CUT

hair CUT

HAIRcut

:)

i have had a hair cut 

and jesse is back i haven't seen her properly much but she's with david thats fine. she's really missed him, it will be my turn soon...

and my camera works now :) picture picture picture

ow, willow just jumped onto my knee :)

oh Ouch clawing into my legs, 

Dammit ripped my tights D: silly cat

& it's sunny, well not now because its night but it was in the day

=]

empty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKJeLG8-M5I

click for the music of my emotions

jesse back today seeing her tomorrow

hair cut tomorrow

town tomorrow

and back to everything normal,

it's been a waisted week

now im off to eat that butter and sugar from my fridge, 

oh and i got over my fear and took a giant spider outside..

..well in a cup.

..air tight,,

with gloves on

squealing.

Tutu&Pyjamas

i made a house for me and jesse:

(click to make bigger)

(click to make bigger)

(click to make bigger)

SillyKisser

don't mean to mislead you with the title it's just a quote from Tideland a very odd film i watched with jesse. very odd.

haven't left the house again today and no picture it would just be the same but a bit worse

i might never leave the house again,

full  moon 

it's 11:30 at night and i haven't yet got out of my Pyjamas no point now, 

my birthday in a month, 4th of september, party? BIG :)

jesse is back tomorrow but i don't think i'm seeing her until friday i'm a little confused at everything right now.

give me time and ile be fine.

hello friends?

another day that makes me wonder if i even have friends.

jesse is away, and i need to learn to be happy when she isn't here so she can have more timeey with her mann

but i text all my credit away and nothing, i saw jeannie today briefly, we watched tele and ate my food, then i was supposed to get my hair done but instead i backed out cause i didn't like what they wanted to do it, ill go somewhere else next time.

i was invited to go stay at toms with jeannie and him but i know that always ends up with me having to listen to them doing stuff all night whilst I'm feeling alone. D:

jesses back on thursday i'll just carry on attempting to steal a friend and lock them in my house.

-My cat Willow in a bundle

back

judge me, go on thats what everyone else finds joy in.

Hah, ive been playing songs backwards on Djay they sound so weird and GERMAN i think english played backwards sounds like german :) foshizz XD

GUH?!!

lonely but im not allowed to be lonely so im just nothing.

but i am lonely and as much as i am taking ruby's advice to have some time to myself i don't want to be alone ALL the time D:

maybe it's good for me,

or maybe i will get so lost in my head i will fall into a long coma and wait for the doctor to pull the plug

hmm.

shutup brain.

i miss jesse ):

so so so so so so So SO SOOOOOOOOO Much D: 

i shouldn't miss her so much though i should have other friends but as my empty inbox could tell you i got nothing i texted anyone who is a suitable textee and either on holiday or no reply Literally everyone. |:| D: *DIES* DX